It Is What It Is

Election 2010 Endorsements

2010-10-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

I believe that voting is the most important privilege we can exercise as citizens. Of course, we have the right to not vote, but I hold the honor of voting in such high regard that it is almost inconceivable to me that I wouldn't.

Except now. I have never been less interested in the outcome of an election than now.

I often counsel that we should vote for the candidate or position we favor, not simply in opposition to those we don't. That's why John Kerry lost the presidential election in 2004. No one wanted George Bush to win a second term, but no one really wanted John Kerry to win, either. So, people either voted for Bush, or against Bush, or stayed home, and Bush won his second term.

This election is even worse. This is a mid-term referendum on Barack Obama. The problem is, there are no viable candidates on any level. All of them are weak, and none of them interest me in the least.

With this disclaimer, here are my endorsements for 2010:

US Senate -- John McCain (R) vs nobody

I actually voted for John McCain for president twice, in 2000 and 2004 as my write-in choice. I admired his maverick approach, that he voted his conscience and let the chips fall where they would.

But that is not the John McCain who ran for president in 2008, nor is that the John McCain running for re-election to the US Senate now. This John McCain is a political veteran fighting for his career by pandering to those who he thinks will support him. He's a compromiser, a flip-flopper, saying things now that he would have condemned 10 years ago.

He's a shoe-in, however, as there is really nobody running against him. I had to look up on the Internet (thank you, Al Gore!) to find names I've never heard of. His only real opponent was in the Republican primary, for which McCain sold his soul to win.

So, do I vote for McCain because I supported him before? I guess I do, hoping that once we get past this election, the man I admired in the past will put politics aside to be the leader he used to be.

US Representative -- Ben Quayle (R) vs nobody

The AZ Election Guide lists Qualye's qualifications as "Venture Capitalist, son of ex Vice-President Dan Quayle." Young Ben is famous for his line, "Barack Obama is the worst president ever." If so, it is only because we had the good fortune that George Bush the Elder did not die to elevate Dan. Young Ben may be the only politician in history with less qualification than his father.

Young Ben won the Republican primary with something like 23% of the vote, which means that approximately 4% of the residents in my district actually think he's qualified. That seems about right.

My district includes the wealthiest part of the state (not my neighborhood, mind you). Not that wealthy people automatically vote Republican, but the Republican party tends to be more favorable to wealth and wealth builders. As such, the Democrats typically will run only a token candidate, preferring to spend their resources where they can be more competitive. Which is too bad because I think this year, the car that Young Ben drives could run against him and have a shot at winning.

Unfortunately, the Libertarian candidate does not have enough money to even register a web domain. Dude, you can set up a free Facebook page!

I'm voting for Young Ben's car.

Governor -- Jan Brewer (R) vs Terry Goddard (D)

Brewer was elevated to governor when sitting Governor Janet Napolitano was picked by President Obama to head the Office of Homeland Security. Brewer inherited a disaster. The state was out of money and the economy was in free-fall. Brewer was in over her head and she knew it, which gave her the political courage to propose the unthinkable -- a one-cent sales tax. Her rationale was basic: even if the state eliminates every dime from the budget that was not mandated by the federal government or by voters, we still would not have enough money to balance the budget. With the state economy relying almost exclusively on construction and tourism, and Fender Guitar, we simply do not have the revenue base we need. We have to raise taxes. The Republican-controlled legislature stalled for two years before punting the issue to voters, who promptly voted for the increase. Still, Brewer, a Republican, faced fierce criticism.

And then came SB1070, the anti-immigration bill. Brewer knew that it was a bad bill, that it was unenforceable, that it is unconstitutional, and that it does nothing to address border security. She initially didn't want to sign it. But perhaps because she knew that it would eventually be found unconstitutional, she did sign it (on a Saturday, the last day before the bill would die). And, found that she had grabbed a tiger by the tail. Over night, she became a leading spokes-person for the conservative cause, even being flown to Washington for a private meeting with the President. Which is hilarious because I watched her speak once at a breakfast meeting for a Phoenix City Councilmember, where Brewer was upstaged in both eloquence and content.

Suddenly, the Brewer that I kind of liked disappeared to be replaced by a lying, scheming opportunist, claiming to have always supported the bill (she didn't), falsifying information (the infamous claim of mass beheadings in the Arizona deserts that no one has ever found), and completely misrepresenting the intent of the bill (to harass legal American citizens).

I cannot and will not support someone who so completely misrepresents the truth.

Fortunately, Democrat Terry Goddard, the current Attorney General, is a viable candidate. Goddard opposed SB1070, but swore to uphold it as the duly elected officer (Brewer "fired" him, another unconstitutional move); he focuses on the real issues of the economy while Brewer focuses on the imaginary horrors of illegal immigration.

Interestingly, 75% of Brewer's Candidate Statement focuses on Goddard, which any marketing expert will suggest is often the desperate strategy of the number two brand. Goddard never once mentions Brewer of her failed policies.

I support Terry Goddard.

2010-05-25T21:36:00.000-07:00

This is the eulogy I wrote for my father, who passed away on April 9. He was 68.

Eulogy for Bill Dumcum

From his son, Kevin Dumcum

I think my dad would be surprised over some of the things that have been said about him over the past few days – mainly because while he loved to tell stories, and he loved to laugh, he never really liked to be the center of attention.

But Dad, you need to know how much you meant to all of us, and to me.

I didn’t share your passion for raising bees, or for World War II military history, or for Mighty Mite football. And Lord knows I was happy that you never found the right hill to buy to build the underground home for which you drew up the architectural plans.

But, I love that you were passionate about these things and more.

I love how you always supported me in my sometime silly pursuits. When I got my new job, you would send me article clippings about the job search process. Even though you never really understood my passion for comic books, you would find web links and programs to help me sort and organize my collection. And when I had my serious running injury, you researched and found a book on running injury-free.

I love how loyal you were. You had your favorite brands and you stuck with them, because they worked. You were an early adopter of new technology, but slow to upgrade; why change what isn’t broken, you would say. You ate at Justin’s restaurant for as long as Justin stayed with the chain; once Justin moved on to another restaurant chain, you were not shy about pointing out how quickly the quality deteriorated. And you had your favorite TV shows, even if one of them was Jay Leno.

I love how compassionate you were. I never realized when I was growing up, but we were poor; yet, we had everything we needed. I assumed all dads made bunk beds and bookshelves and headboards, that all dads maintained huge vegetable gardens and compost piles, that all dads made rabbit-skin hats and Halloween costumes. It took me a while to realize, that was not true. You taught us to be satisfied with what we had, all the while striving to make sure we had what we needed. One specific example, of which I am so proud, is that you went back to get your college degree by taking night classes.

I love how creative you were. You could do things with a computer that I can barely imagine. You have programs I’ve never heard of and cannot tell what they do. Your files are color-coded. Your workstation is stacked with equipment and wires and clippings, and Post-it Notes dot every available surface, and it is obvious that everything has an original purpose. Over the past few days, we’ve been trying to figure out how you did some things. It is going to take a while longer before we know, if ever.

Dad, I love how you loved your family. You would move mountains for any one of us. You took care of sick cats when we are out of town. You waited for moving vans while we had to go on ahead to our destinations. You showed up with wet vacs or tools when something went wrong or broke down. And you always answered the phone, listened to our gripes without judgment, and gave us the advice we needed.

Above all, you loved Mom with a love that is beyond words.

Dad, you went too soon. There is still so much I wanted to hear and learn from you. But I trust you, that I have what I need and can take it from here on out:

Be passionate about something, even if it takes a few attempts to find what that something is.

Be loyal. If you find something that works, stick with it.

Be compassionate. Always try to do your best, but do your best to benefit someone else.

Be creative.

Love unconditionally.

I didn’t say it enough, but I love you, Dad, and I am so proud to be your son.

Job Search Tip of the Week -- Volunteer

2009-12-21T15:21:00.001-08:00

As a job seeker, your first obligation is to your job search. However, it is likely that at some point during the week, you will have attended all the networking events, have sent out all your Thank You notes, have called to set up coffee or lunch meetings, have updated your LinkedIn status, and you still may have time left over.

Consider volunteering. Find an organization or a cause you believe in, and donate your time and skills. There are a number of benefits volunteering provides to job seekers, including:
· If you have been searching for several months, volunteering helps fill in gaps in your work history
· Volunteering can help you retain your work skills
· Volunteering can help you learn new skills. Experience is experience, even if you are not paid for it
· Volunteering opens up another avenue for networking. Volunteer organizations know they can’t pay you, so are very open to meeting with you, discussing options, and even providing letters of commendation (assuming your work deserves it!). And by simply getting out of the house, you are meeting new people who can help your search
· No matter how bad we think our situation is, there is someone else who needs support even more. The need for services is growing at exactly the time that budgets are being cut. Volunteering is the right thing to do

For volunteer opportunities, check out:
Hands on Greater Phoenix: http://handsonphoenix.org/
Volunteer Match: http://www.volunteermatch.org/
Goodwill of Central Arizona: https://volunteer.goodwillaz.org/

Lessons Learned during the career transition

2009-10-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

I was on a vacation day during the last week of February when I received a panicked call from a work colleague, saying that management was swinging the hatchet. Jobs were being cut.

The week earlier, my boss had asked me to transfer all of my job responsibilities to another colleague. That seemed suspicious, but being the good corporate citizen, I, of course, agreed to do it. I read the tea leaves, though, so when my colleague called me, I knew that my name was on the cut list.

I first calmed my colleague down and encouraged her to watch out for herself. I then called my office to see how my office mates were faring, which confused them, as they knew my fate but didn’t know if I knew my fate. Finally, I called my boss, who was planning to wait until I returned to work before letting me know, but I forced the issue. I was cut. Downsized. RIFed. Laid off. However it was labeled, after eleven years with my company, I was about to receive my last paycheck.

Forward to the second week of October, over seven months later: I just received an offer for a position as an Employment Specialist for Goodwill of Central Arizona. I will be working in a Workforce Investment Act funded program to assist clients who may experience barriers to employment to find jobs.

This is a brand new field for me, but one for which I have developed a passion during my own career transition. I am qualified for it, by using my marketing and market research background in new ways. In fact, my background allows me a unique perspective that others in my new field may lack.

I feel blessed. In my career transition period, I have met many wonderful, talented, and encouraging people I would not have otherwise met. I have gained new skills. I have a much greater knowledge of, and appreciation for, the Phoenix metro area. And perhaps most importantly for my new career, I have learned several lessons to increase the likelihood of success in a job search:

1) Leave the house. If your job search strategy consists only of hitting the “submit resume” on various job boards, you are in for a long and frustrating search.

2) Define what you want to do, even if it is not directly related to what you used to do. I truly believe that those of us facing a career transition have been given a gift. Are we doing what we want to do? Are we doing what we were meant to do? If not, now is the perfect opportunity to correct course. And even if we are in our chosen field, then the opportunity to practice with a new company will only enhance our careers. I fully embrace that it is no fun being unemployed, but I also know that pain may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

3) Find some reason, every day, to take a shower – either before or after an activity (or, both). Get out of the house. Join groups, whether they are “job search” related or not. Go to the museum on free-admission days. Play with your kids. Explore the public library system. Hike the metro-area mountains. Mow your neighbor’s lawn when you do yours. Anything. Just don’t let your couch form an impression of the seat of your pants.

4) Volunteer. Find a cause you believe in. Help those who are less fortunate than you. Not only is it good for the soul, but you also can practice your skills, or learn new ones. On a practical level, if you do the good job you are capable of, then the organization staff will go out of their way to recommend you to their network.

5) Allow yourself permission, every once in a while, to take an afternoon off. Read a book for your book club. Watch a DVD (the public library has a surprisingly robust, and free, selection), or go to a movie at matinee discount prices. Go bowling, or play a round of mini-golf. It’s okay. Even God rested on the seventh day.

6) Never give up. On your darkest day, when you’ve received the rejection notice or did not get the call back you hoped for, end the day on a positive. Write the thank you note finding something positive to say about the company. Force yourself to go to the networking meeting you want to blow off. Muster up the courage to make the call to the friend of a friend to set up a coffee date.

I am highly analytical by nature. Many times during my transition I have said that while I take no great joy in being unemployed, I do find the career management and job search process to be fascinating. Now, for at least the next little while, I get to turn that fascination into a vocation.

Dear readers, I wish you the success you desire. Please let me know how I can help.

To my newly (or soon to be) emancipated friends

2009-09-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

When I was let go from my last employer, my former company had just days earlier announced that it was merging with a much larger competitor. I was assured that the staff reduction decision had nothing to do with the merger, and I do believe that. But if this is true, then it is logical to assume that more staff cuts are to come; mergers always lead to cost-efficiency considerations, and in a business service industry, cost-efficiency is closely tied to head-count.

Plus, my company's CEO assured nervous investors that drastic cost cutting would commence before year end.

So, a number of my former colleagues (and dear friends) are nervous about their future. I am nervous for them as well. So to you, my friends, a few brief tips that I hope will help (I've become a bit of an expert, and am actively looking to re-career as an employment specialist):

1) Job Loss has been proven to be one of the more stressful events in a person's life, ranking with Death and Divorce. So, the emotions you feel are valid, and normal.

1a) The coping mechanisms that you may have used in other stressful events of your life can be used to help you deal with the emotions of a job loss as well.

2) You will be competing with thousands of other job seekers. It is very competitive, and recruiters / HR managers are receiving hundreds of resumes for every posting, most of which are no where near qualified.

2a) Most job seekers are going about their job search the wrong way. You can do better.

3) You will check out the job boards (CareerBuilder, HotJobs, Monster, etc.). We all do. But please understand: 70% of all job openings that are filled, are never posted. So, if you only use job boards, not only are you missing out on 70% of all positions, you are also competing with thousands of job seekers for the same 30%.

3a) I've talked with recruiters who are saying that they are no longer posting positions, because it's so overwhelming. They are filling positions through referrals.

3b) Note that recruiters do have positions to fill!

4) You have to get out and meet people, shake their hands, ask them questions, and share what you are looking for (which requires you to know what you are looking for). It's scary, and it's hard, but it's necessary, and it gets easier as you do it more. And, it works.

Does your church offer a Job Seekers Network? Join, now! Call anyone you used to work with who are now or have been seeking, meet them for coffee, and ask them what they are doing. Are there women's networking groups available? Check out the AARP, which nowadays takes anyone over 40, and talk with them about resources and opportunities for mature workers -- you don't necessarily have to join. And get active with your local American Marketing Association and/or Market Research Association chapters (or similar industry affiliated group).

5) Definitely check out the state Economic Security offices (or whatever they would be called in MN). Arizona offers wonderful free workshops on resume writing and interviewing skills. I have to believe that MN does as well, and maybe more.

5a) Learn to use online resources to your advantage. Find FREE classes for LinkedIn (there are a lot of fee-based classes, but it's not rocket science and you should be able to find appropriate training for free). Go to the main library and talk to a librarian, who will be happy to discuss what services the library offers that you can't get on the Web.

5b) But DO NOT restrict your job search activities sitting at your table on your laptop at home! You have to get out and meet people.

6) You have to take care of yourself and your families first, so if you are given the "it's not you, it's me" speech, take the next several days to get yourself in order, do some planning, get your communication pieces drafted, etc. After a while, though, your job search routine will begin to settle. I would encourage you, then, to think about what you love to do, and go volunteer to do so. Do you like kids? Working with the homeless? Animal adoption? Cancer or heart or lupus or some other disease? Maybe you volunteer at your kids' school.

Not only is volunteering good for the soul, but it gets you out of your house, and active. You can learn new skills, which become resume points. And, do a good job, use it to network within the organization, and they will fight on your behalf, calling potential employers, sending recommendations, etc. At least, that has been my experience, and all of my current and best opportunities are directly related to volunteering.

Being let go is tough. I remember I felt like I was punched in the gut, even though I sniffed something in the air about a week before I got the call. But pray, stay close to God and your loved ones, and you will get through this.

And I can honestly say that even though I have not had a paycheck since March, this has been one of the best, and one of the most fun years of my life. I'm doing things I never considered doing, I've broken through some of my comfort zone, I've met dozens of wonderful people, and they ALL want to help.

Maybe you won't need this advice. But consider this: the days of life-long employment with a single employer is over. The average tenure with an employer is 3-4 years, which means that if not this year, then most likely within the next three years, you will be looking for your next position (voluntarily or not). Set yourself up for success now, and keep at it.

But above all, while (or when) you are employed, do the best job you can and make as much profit for your employer as you can. Chances are, your boss will be looking for his/her next job right along side you very soon. It's a small world. Never burn bridges.

Good luck!

Archie Marries Veronica! (or, does he?!)

2009-08-17T21:47:00.000-07:00

A Dallas comic book store owner and collector is so upset that Archie Andrews is marrying spoiled little rich girl Veronica Lodge instead of girl-next-door Betty Cooper that to protest, he’s selling his copy of Archie Comics #1 from 1942.

Literally and figuratively, I’m not buying his story. A few things:

-- Anyone who’s read comic books for more than a year should realize that “game changing” events are rarely permanent. No one expected when Captain America died in in the now legendary story from 2007 that he would remain dead for long (although, these are excellent stories and well worth reading). And, the Archie website pretty much tells us from the beginning that this is an imaginary story! Archie is stressed by his high school graduation so he goes for a walk through the woods, and when he emerges, it’s four years later and he’s graduating college. Of course things are going back to normal as soon as the story is over.

-- Anyone who claims to be an Archie Comics fan of any length of time knows that sweet Betty Cooper hasn’t always been a sweetheart. Nearly every Digest issue includes stories from as late as the 1960s where Betty is just as scheming and conniving as Veronica, in her own way. Or, checking out the fascinating Archie Americana series of stories segmented by decade, we see that Archie, Veronica, Jughead Jones, Reggie Mantle, Big Moose Mason, Mr. Weatherby, Miss Grundy, and every other character stay remarkably consistent over nearly 70 years, the one exception being sweet Betty. The “Everybody’s Sweetheart” version of Betty didn’t emerge until the 1970s. Admittedly Betty during the current half of her career is the Betty we all know and love, but selling a 1942 copy is a pretty hollow protest.

-- Everyone recalls the infamous “Love Showdown” storyline from 1994, where Betty and Veronica threw down the gauntlet: Archie must decide once and for all. So, he chose SPOILER

Cheryl Blossom. At least until the next issue when things were pretty much back to normal.

-- Archie Comics have some of the best writers in the business, but for a story this significant, they brought in uber-movie producer Michael Uslan (the classic “Dark Knight,” the underwhelming “The Spirit,” and the downright awful “Catwoman”), not by one of the regular Archie writers. Now, Uslan teaches a course on comic books at Indiana University so he’s not necessarily a hack, but I have to believe that if Archie Comics would make a lasting change, it would be done by one of their regular storytellers.

-- Selling comic book back issues does nothing for or against the publisher. They’ve already been paid all they’re going to be paid. If you want to make a meaningful protest, you would refuse to buy any new issues, or for a store, refuse to stock any current issues. The comic book industry is like every other industry, and sales dictate direction.

Also, the comic book industry generally runs three to four months ahead of time, so it’s likely that every issue of the Archie Marries Veronica storyline is already written and produced, so a protest at this time doesn’t stop anything. The issues are all coming out.

Of course, the real reason this owner is selling is to get some quick cash. And the current storyline very likely will generate some interest, driving the price up; once all the issues have been released, the price for Archie #1 likely will drop to current levels, so strike while the iron is hot.

This story is generating a lot of buzz for the always entertaining Archie Comics. I confess that I have been a fan for years, thrilling to the antics of the crazy gang from Riverdale. So, I'm mildly interested in how this storyline will play out, but as a 20-year veteran of the comic-book-reading game, I know that by the end of the storyline, everything will be back to normal.

Aside: Cheryl Blossom, who has a genuine interest in Archie, is an even richer and more spoiled version of Veronica, who often uses Archie simply to make Betty jealous. Cheryl does struggle with the vast gulf of social status between her and Archie, but given my vote, I would like to see Archie end up with Cheryl.

Like everyone else, I do love Betty, but Archie has broken her heart too many times and does not deserve her. She needs to move away to college and meet a new soul mate.

I predict that the constant bickering between Veronica and Jughead is really a mask for some deep-seated chemistry between the two. Don’t be surprised when they show up as a couple at their 10-year high school reunion.

My pretty cool new volunteer venture

2009-07-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

I hinted a couple weeks ago at something pretty exciting. It made the front page of the July 9 Arizona Republic newspaper:

What the story didn't fully explain:

The Great State of Arizona accepted a federal grant under the Workforce Investment Act to open additional Access Points for the state's Workforce Connection program. I am going to be an Access Point Trainer.

Starting next Sunday afternoon, one of the big churches in my 'hood is opening an Access Point office, so anyone from the community, not just church members (and not even restricted to those of the Christian faith) can stop in for resume reviews, interviewing tips, and help in accessing job boards and filling out applications. Or, if they just need someone to vent to or to pray with, I can do that as well.

The staff at the Workforce Connection sites are all extremely competent and compassionate, but are overwhelmed; Arizona is still facing a $2Billion budget shortfall (they missed their June 30 deadline) so is making cuts across the board, many times resulting in cuts to programs and services that are most in demand. Access Points bring the services into more neighborhoods, and simply helps to spread the services across more people.

The Trainer position is volunteer for now; the grant money goes towards the material. Because it is under a federal grant, it is portable, so if I end up moving to Seattle or Minneapolis or wherever my next job will take me, I could conceivably volunteer in a new state. And, it is another bullet point on my resume.

I have said several times that, while I have no pleasure in being unemployed, I do find the process of looking for work to be fascinating. And, I've long held to the saying, "Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." I've wanted to find opportunities to teach / coach / train / mentor, and this seems like a pretty obvious convergence of desires, interests, and current situation. I'm pretty excited about it.

And I get my picture in the paper to boot!

Dress for Success, in job searching

2009-07-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

A number of years ago, I had a debate with my high school civics teacher over the book, “Dress for Success.” I called it a debate; I’m sure Mr. Niemela called it something else. I just would not accept that anyone should be judged by anything other than his or her own merit. I believed that if you work hard and produce good work, then success will follow.

I still believe that. But, as I’ve gotten older and have spent a few years in the business world, I do understand that if you want anyone else to take your success seriously, they have to take you seriously as well.

When you’re out of work and looking for work, then your job is to find a job. Why, then, would you show up to networking meetings or employment seminars wearing gym shorts and flip flops and baseball caps?

And what is with the entitlement attitude exhibited by some of these people? Losing your job is traumatic, and being unemployed is stressful. You are not helping yourself at all, though, by arguing with presenters who are trying to share information, or Tsking when you don’t agree (just ask Mr. Niemela).

I’m sure these folks are not expecting an employer to shake their hands and offer them a position on the spot, but you never know. As I spend more time networking and meeting people, I am seeing more and more employers at these various events, and today, one was even pre-screening at an event I was at.

Even if there are no employers at some of these events, the other 9.5% unemployed workers are all potential resources, potential leads, or if nothing else, a sympathetic ear. I have to say this, though: My heart goes out to everyone who is currently looking for a job, and I am more than happy to pass along some helpful advice, or potential leads. But, I am more likely to want to help those who seem to be taking their job search seriously. And wearing your Kobe Bryant basketball jersey to a seminar does not scream to me that you are taking your job search seriously.

I think I just realized I’m turning into my dad.

Find my iPhone!

2009-06-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

Find My iPhone Now Available!

So, if you ever lose your iPhone, you can go to the Web and do a satellite search.

Pretty cool! I just tried it, and it narrowed my phone down to somewhere in my apartment complex.

It eventually may have zoomed in closer, but you can set it up to make a sound, even in silent mode.

Those wacky guys at Apple, what will they think of next?

Stay in school, or leave early?

2009-06-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

The NBA draft is coming up this week, and once again, the mock-draft boards by people who pay more attention than I do is littered with underclassmen. In fact, the 2008 Player of the Year, North Carolina senior Tyler Hansbrough, may not even be picked in the top 20.

On the one hand, I do not begrudge a youngster to strike while the iron is hot, to start making the big money now and bank it for the future. It's free-enterprise, capitalism, and the libertarian right to do what you please without regard to rules or naysayers (like me) telling you what to do.

On the other hand, I wonder how LeBron James feels now -- MVP season, a statistical career like few others have ever had, yet falling well short of his stated goal of a championship.

Now, there are millions of reasons to participate in sports besides winning championships. Lord knows I've never been close to one, and still enjoyed the thrill of participating. However, when you are being paid the amount of money they throw around in pro sports, there should be an expectation of production.

The worst things that have ever happened to the NBA are the unquestionably successful careers of Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, and Kevin Garnett -- all who skipped college entirely to jump to the NBA from high school. The unfortunate result is, any high school kid who wins a game of HORSE believes he has what it takes to make the jump as well. Yet for every Kobe or LeBron or KG, how many countless Kris Humphrey's or Rick Rickerts are there, players who believed their inflated hypes and the ill-advised recommendations of "friends" and made the jump prematurely, getting scant minutes in the NBA (Humphrey) or never making the NBA at all (Rickert)? Although, they do have Wiki pages, which I guess is pretty cool (I don't have one!).

The vast majority of underclassmen declaring for the NBA draft simply are not ready to play in the NBA. They are talented but have few skills (Humphrey led the Big 10 in points per game and rebounding, but averaged 0.3 assists per game; I suspect the ball was slapped from his hands and ended up with a teammate once every three games. The basic play was, throw the ball in to Humphrey and turn around and set up for defense because he didn't know how to pass it back). And weak skills are making the NBA weaker as a result.

Contrast that with University of Colorado track star Jenny Barringer, who while a senior, has one more semester to complete. With her performance at the 2009 Prefontaine Classic, Barringer became only the third American to break 4:00 for the 1,500 meters (and one of the other two is suspected of using performance enhancing drugs, though most likely later in her career). She is considered a near-lock to qualify for the US World Championship team next week, where she has here eyes set on a medal. She's never been hotter than she is right now, and a poor showing at US Nationals or the World Championships in August could conceivably cost her money. But, she wants to graduate, and she wants to have one more season with Colorado's Cross-Country team in order to win a collegiate national championship. Is she making a mistake? Maybe if your definition of success is money. However, I admire the hell out of her decision, and will be paying close attention to her this summer, and hopefully for may summers to come.

How to Anger a Snake

2009-06-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a Tarzan fan for years, though truth be told, it’s been years since I’ve read any of the original Edgar Rice Burroughs’ books. At my suggestion, my Science Fiction book club recently read “Tarzan of the Apes”. Sadly, only I and one other member bothered to read it. Others were relying on memory (or the Weissmuller movies), or simply chose to not read at all.

All the pity, as TotA is a remarkably imaginative. Who couldn’t thrill to the possibilities! Running around the jungle, fighting jungle animals for survival, clad only in a loincloth and a hunting knife, a rope, and a bow and arrows – the way man was meant to live!

Maybe that’s the problem. Despite such strong role models as Sheena Queen of the Jungle, Jana Jungle Girl, and Leopard Woman, I know of no females who ever really found the appeal of the Tarzan stories.

Tarzan eventually married Jane and for a time lived in England, claiming his royal title as Lord Greystoke. They had a child, Jack. One day, while attending a zoo or a circus (it’s been 30 years and the details are a bit fuzzy), Tarzan and Jack see some of Tarzan’s former Great Ape playmates locked up in cages. Again I forget the exact details, but somehow this becomes the catalyst for young Jack to leave home and return with his new Great Ape friends to the jungles of Africa.

The Great Apes had trouble pronouncing the name “Jack,” so hence forward, Jack was known as Korak, Son of Tarzan. Even when Korak met with humans who presumably could have pronounced his name correctly, he introduced himself as Korak Son of Tarzan, always name-dropping his much more renowned father (who was, after all, Lord of the Jungle).

I always gravitated to Korak Son of Tarzan. I did not have the good fortune to be born in the jungle and raised by the Great Ape from infancy, but I could conceivably run off to the jungle now, by choice, and live out my adolescent fantasy.

Plus, according to the Gold Key comic book series, Korak Son of Tarzan had great hair.

REQUISITE SPOILER ALERT for those of you who plan to read this story yourself.

This particular story, published in June 1968, involves giant carnivorous frogs terrorizing an African village. Thanks to High School biology, I know frogs eat bugs, so if they grew to giant proportions, they would have the razor-sharp shark teeth as on the cover. Everything makes sense so far.

After a couple very exciting plot points, the villagers have gathered at the top of the falls to sacrifice a goat, hoping to appease the giant carnivorous frogs. Korak Son of Tarzan sneaks into the tent of the evil witch doctor, pulling a candle stub from his loin cloth for light (where else was he going to carry it? After all, he didn’t have a Batman utility belt.). He finds… a giant carnivorous frog costume! The evil witch doctor has used the real giant carnivorous frogs to camouflage his own nefarious schemes. When the evil witch doctor returns, Korak Son of Tarzan confronts him, and marches him out in front of the villagers. The evil witch doctor twists free, and flings an angry poisonous snake at Korak Son of Tarzan!

With his lightning-quick hands, Korak Son of Tarzan grabs the angry poisonous snake and wrings its life from it, while the evil witch doctor dives into the white frothing water, and does not bob to the surface. Did he perish on the jagged rocks, or did he escape to torment Korak Son of Tarzan another day?

Apparently, the evil witch doctor had been carrying the angry poisonous snake in his loincloth. I can’t really explain this. It does raise the question: did the evil witch doctor carry a poisonous snake in his loin cloth because he was evil, or was the evil witch doctor evil because he carried an angry poisonous snake in his loin cloth? Regardless, I have a pretty good idea why the snake was so angry.

Linda Lovelace for president?

2009-05-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

One morning when I was nine, I read in the paper that a woman was running for president. I asked my mom about it, and proclaimed my support. It was in the paper, so it had to be true; the fact she was endorsed by the voice of Hong Kong Phooey was enough of an endorsement for me.

(For those of you who are now as innocent as I was at age nine, Linda Lovelace was the star of "Deep Throat," the 1972 adult film which is probably the most successful film of all time, box office receipts vs production budget. Lovelace became an overnight star, though spent the rest of her life trying to alternately reclaim and then deny her role in establishing the porn industry in mainstream America. She was killed in a single-car auto accident a few years ago.)

I don't know where my progressive streak came from. In many ways, my family is very conservative with very traditional small-town ideals.

My folks met, fell in love, and got married while at a small college in the middle of Kansas. My dad had fleeting dreams of going into medicine, so after a year of marriage they moved to Minneapolis, where he soon dropped out of school for the practical need of earning a living. He joined 3M, and worked out a transfer to Springfield, MO, in order to be closer to both their families. My mom, meanwhile, chose to stay at home to raise their three sons. She did take in extra money by running a slightly illegal day care (unlicensed babysitting during the day).

After a while, in a demonstration of courage that profoundly impacted my life, first my dad and then my mom decided that it was important to finish their college degrees. So, they began taking night classes at what was then Southwest Missouri State University. That was very cool for me at the time because they were able to get family passes to school resources like football games and the outdoor swimming pool.

My dad finally graduated in 1979 with a degree in architectural drafting, and a minor in this new thing called computer science. This created a slight conundrum. With his degree, my dad was suddenly overqualified for his position in the adhesives division at 3M. Essentially, he tested glue.

My mom graduated a year later with a computer science/accounting degree. As she had the marketable degree, and as my dad was being pressured at his job, Dad made the very progressive decision, and announced it, that if Mom could find a job, he would follow her. Remember, this was back when The Captain and Tennille Show was the hottest thing on TV.

Maybe they weren't so traditional after all.

Mom interviewed for positions in, among others, Seattle and St. Louis, before landing a position, coincidentally, at 3M Corporate in St. Paul. So, in March 1981 (after John Lennon's assassination but before the shooting of President Reagan), my dad quit his job at 3M, we packed up the 1964 Chevy Impala and drove 14 hours to the frozen tundra of Minnesota. Temps were only in the 20s when we arrived, and it was the coldest day of my life.

My dad spent a few weeks unemployed before being rehired at 3M; they both spent the next 20+ years there until they were rewarded with early retirement.

All of this, of course, happened after Ms. Lovelace announced her candidacy. Still, in the case of my folks, not only did they love each other (and they did, and still do), but they respected each other. Looking back now, I think this may have helped form my opinion that women can achieve anything.

It never occurred to me otherwise. I was secure enough to read, and actually enjoy, all the Nancy Drew books while I was still in grade school. I never could understand why should would date her Big Dumb Boyfriend Ned, it always seemed like she could do better (what about the level-headed Frank Hardy of the Hardy Boys?). I clearly recognized that there were plenty of girls who were my superiors in kickball. My guy friends recognized it too, and would sometimes razz me, but as it really didn't bother me all that much, they soon f0und other ways to amuse themselves.

It wasn't until later on that I began to learn that girls weren't supposed to be as good as guys in a lot of areas, but we were supposed to pretend they were. Why, it was practically unheard of for there to be women doctors, or cab drivers, or plumbers, or so I was told. But I never really believed it.

Someone asked me once if I was uncomfortable having a female manager. I had to stop and think about it. Certainly, I recognized that my manager was female, but until I was asked the question, it never occurred to me that I should have a different opinion based on gender.

Over time, I did learn to respect the achievements of women, not because they were in some ways inferior to men, but because they were perceived to be inferior to me, so to achieve equal or greater success really meant something.

This came to mind today because I had the opportunity to meet one of my all-time favorite authors, Greg Rucka, at a signing in Scottsdale. Along with being an acclaimed novelist, he is also on my list of two best comic book writers today (Ed Brubaker being the other). I will read anything that Rucka or Brubaker write, even if it is their grocery lists.

Rucka has written all the major characters -- Spider-Man, Daredevil, Wonder Woman, Superman, Batman. While I love his work on these comic book heavyweights, I almost prefer more when Rucka takes on the B-level or even C-level characters such as The Huntress, The Question, Elektra, or the new Batwoman.

(Short digression:

-- The Huntress was originally conceived as the love child between Batman and Catwoman; in a retcon, she was repositioned as the orphaned daughter of a Gotham City mob boss, a sort of female Bruce Wayne if his father had been the head of one of the Five Families.

-- The Question was created by Spider-Man co-creator Steve Ditko; he doesn't have any powers except for a mask that completely hides his face leaving him featureless. He has conspiracy paranoia, always asking questions and never compromising, and was the direct model of the character Rorshack of The Watchmen. The original Question developed cancer and died, but he passed his mask on to former Gotham City police detective Renee Montoya.

-- Elektra was the first girlfriend of Matt Murdock, the Daredevil, until she saw her father killed by ninja assassins (it's not easy being a parent in the comic book universe). Elektra put her gymnastic training to become a hired assassin herself, which inevitably led to crossing paths with her former lover. Yes, Elektra was the subject of the awful Jennifer Garner movie, and yes, the story was LOOSELY based on a Greg Rucka story, except they took out everything that was good and and re-wrote the rest.

-- Batwoman is a relatively new creation and is NOT the heel-wearing, purse-carrying, compact-throwing Kathy Kane of the 1960s. I don't have much of the current Batwoman's back story; turns out, she is a former lover of Gotham City police detective Renee Montoya, the new Question. Batwoman and the Question are due to star in their own comic book coming out sometime this summer.)

Interesting to note, all of these "minor" characters that so fascinate me are female. Sometimes, when I think about it, I wonder, do I like these characters because they are female? But then I realize, I like these characters because Rucka so clearly likes these characters, and respects them, and I often don't even think about gender issues.

I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make, except maybe two:

1) Greg Rucka is a damn good writer. If you aren't reading him, you should.

2) My parents are pretty special.

For the record, I never saw the movie, "Linda Lovelace for President." Someone please tell me, did she win?

Something to aspire to

2009-05-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

Now that the daytime high temps in Phoenix are topping 100 degrees, I'm trying this new thing, where I get up at 5:30 AM in order to get my runs or hikes in early. So far, it's working reasonably well (thanks, alarm-clock-feature-on-my-iPhone!), except I haven't quite figured out that I should go to bed earlier as well. As it is, I've discovered the pure pleasure of the afternoon nap. But, things will work out soon.

I'm probably stressing about this too much. Last week was the Arizona High School Regional Track & Field meets, with the State Meets this week. Temps are over 100 degrees, with nary a tree in sight. Doesn't see to faze the kids, though. They just run or jump or throw. It's the parents who are the weenies, several of them hanging out in the relative shade below the bleachers, until their daughters or sons run.

Hiking in Phoenix means climbing barren rock trails straight up the sides of one of our several mountains. Rattlesnakes and things that look like mini-Komodo Dragons are not uncommon (seriously, what are those things with the yellow tail, orange body, and black heads; and should I be concerned when they bare their fangs and charge at me?). As opposed to, say, Minnesota, where hiking means strolling along worn dirt paths in a serenely wooded area, where you might run into a curious skunk or rabbit or two.

Not knocking Minnesota hikes. I love walking through woods, along rivers, around lakes. Just that hiking in Arizona is much more of a combination cardio and strength workout.

Or, at least it is for me. After scrambling up a particular section, CamelPak securely fastened to my back, I confess I have to stop and catch my breath. Only to see one (or more) of Phoenix's beautiful people strolling past me, carrying Starbucks cups and wearing flip-flops, the hot women in their jog bras and tight abs, the shirtless bohunk dudes who still have their hair, with geometric tattoos on their chests (shorts hanging off their buttocks, natch). Often, they'll reach the top, retrace their steps, and then do it all over again. No wonder they're beautiful.

Doc Savage sighting!

2009-05-06T22:15:00.000-07:00

Interesting photo and article on Newsarama.com today. Dare we hope for a new Doc Savage comic?

At the San Diego Comic Con 2008, uber-producer Michael Uslan announced that Warner Brothers is in development of a new Doc Savage movie (I'm not easily finding a YouTube video from San Diego, but here's one from the NYC convention earlier this year). Being just a week removed from the Uslan-produced "Dark Knight," Fan boys across the nation erupted in joy. "Arnold Schwarzenegger as Doc!" cried some, forgetting that this is not 1994. "No, we need Brendan Fraser!" countered others, forgetting that the Doc Savage we all know and love is in his late 20s / early 30s during his prime adventuring years.

Since then, of course, Uslan released the mediocre "The Spirit" to so-so critical acclaim and so-so box office. Fan boys suddenly remembered that for every "Batman Begins," Warner Brothers also released the movie so bad I solemnly swore to never again mention it by name (I had won a free pass to see this abomination, and still was upset that I paid for the gas to drive to the theater).

My expectations of a quality Doc Savage movie to erase the horrid 1975 attempt are muted. I have long held that Doc Savage works better as a comic book character than he would on the big screen.

Maybe, hopefully, DC Comics agrees?

But then, I learned that the Newsarama picture is actually cropped from this -- a mash-up of Doc Savage, The Spirit, Blackhawk, and I'm not sure who the lady with the black panther is supposed to be. So now, I'm not sure if the picture is actually a a comic book teaser, or simply a vanity painting by comic artist Brian Stelfreeze.

My earlier excitement is waning. I'll stop holding my breath, and go back to reading my pulp reprints.

What is Norm Coleman thinking?

2009-04-13T20:52:00.000-07:00

If he had accepted defeat against Al Franken, even if he feels that 226 ballots were unfairly counted, he could have sat back, quietly began campaigning for a rematch in 2014, and most likely would have won in a landslide.

Now, he has basically committed political suicide. If he "wins" by convincing the State or US Supreme Courts to overturn the election results, as slim as they are, then he is basically thumbing his nose at the electoral process, the root of representative democracy.

Better to pull an Al Gore, strongly disagree but step aside, and in four or six years, have TV talk show hosts begging him to run.

Now, I think the damage is done. People will not forget this, especially if Democrats are smart enough to hire a PR firm in 2014. I say right now, win or lose in 2008, Norm Coleman loses huge in 2014.

It's not you, it's me

2009-04-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

My Panda Express fortune cookie yesterday told me, “Be patient, and good things will come.”

Being unemployed is, no denying, a bit stressful, not knowing when (or if) you’ll ever have another paycheck, when (or if) you’ll ever again be a contributing member of society.

But, it’s not all bad. There are a few positives:

-- You get to grocery shop during the day, when the shelves are stocked. Mostly.

-- You get to read ahead for your book club(s).

-- You get to hear the music-box version of “Arkansas Traveler”, as the ice cream man drives slowly up and down the parking lot of your apartment complex before jumping to the complex next door. Every day. For what seems like hours (okay, this is more of a curse, especially when you are trying to make phone calls to prospective new employers, but it was fun humming along on Day 1).

But as anyone who has ever been on the receiving end of the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech can attest, being unemployed practically begs for a time of introspection.

You’re first reaction is, “You’re right. It is you, and not me.”

But at some point, you have to ask yourself, “Well, maybe I do suck. Maybe I deserved to be cut. Maybe I need to think through, am I good enough to be doing what I’m doing?”

Those of you who know me, know that I have never been accused of being under-analytical. I think about things, a lot. I research things. I want to know how things work. I sometimes get bored watching movies on DVDs because I want to go straight to the Behind the Scenes and Director’s Commentary.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about Me. Who am I? What am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do?

Turns out, on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator scale, I am best characterized as, “Introverted / Intuitive / Feeling / Judging.” My fellow INFJ brothers and sisters, including former President Jimmy Carter, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and TV’s Tom Sellick and Evangeline Lilly, comprise only 1% of the population, making us the most unique of the 16 personality types. We’re not going to take over the world through sheer numbers, but we may just take over the world by our passionate activism, our dogged adherence to our values, and our desire for orderly and efficient systems.

Well and good, I can definitely see these traits in me, but part of me wonders if the MBTI scores are somewhat like reading your horoscope. You cannot escape when you were born, so you are permanently identified with your astrological sign; the logical result is that you project your experiences onto whatever characteristics “define” your sign: “I’m a Crab, but I’m deathly allergic to shellfish. I loved ‘The Little Mermaid,’ though, so yeah, I get it!” (NOTE: I have not read my horoscope in over 30 years, so I have no idea which astrological sign is associated with liking sea food.)

Turns out, this healthy skepticism is a trait of INFJers.

According to the ‘net, good career choices for INFJ types include Writing (I promise to finish my screenplay soon; in the meantime, enjoy my blog!), Clergy (I really enjoyed teaching Sunday School and hope to do so again soon), and…

…Market Research Analyst. Which is what I have been doing, and come to think of it, am pretty good at.

So yes, when you say, “it’s not you, it’s me,” I agree.

The monsters are due in Phoenix

2009-03-24T21:21:00.000-07:00

True confession time: I have never been a morning person. It is much easier for me to stay up late than to get up in the morning. Like Dagwood Bumstead, it takes me some effort to drag myself out of bed. I give myself a good couple of hours to take my shower and down a pot of coffee before I take off for work.

I love to run, for running’s sake. Some people run to lose weight, some people run to relieve stress, some just to get out of the house. As for me, while I experience all of these benefits, I just love to run, to break a sweat, to breath hard, to move from point A to point B under my own power.

This poses a problem, however, because I live in Phoenix where in the summers, the average temp climbs to above 100 degrees. Don’t let anyone fool you; while it is a “dry heat” (relatively speaking), anytime the temps get above 100 degrees, it’s pretty warm. Besides, during the Phoenix monsoon season, the humidity is not all that dry.

To combat the too-warm-to-run phenomenon, many runners get their miles in early in the morning, before going to work. But, as I’ve never been an early-morning person, you can see where the problem is.

One of the benefits of being unemployed is that while you spend most of your days trying to become employed, you are, essentially, a self-employed company of one, and as Boss, you can allow yourself a flex schedule.

I’m taking advantage of that. I’m putting in a lot of hours looking for work, but I am taking some time to do some of the things I really enjoy doing: running, hiking, and working on the screenplay I promised my friend Monet.

I try to maintain some discipline, so I have not turned my alarm clock off since I was laid off. It still rings every morning at the same time, and I still drag myself out of bed and down my first pot of coffee.

There are a number of popular hiking trails in Phoenix, and on Spring weekends, they are packed. So, being the logical thinker that I am, I figured I would go to the hiking trails during the week, when they would be less crowded.

This morning, I checked out Thunderbird Mountain in Glendale for the first time.

It is amazing how many people have the same idea at 9:00 in the morning of a work day. The lots were full, I had to cruise around a bit before I found a space. And the trails were like a parade.

Who are these people? They’re not all retirees, many are actually quite young. Are they third-shifters, getting some exercise after their shifts before they go home? Are they independently wealthy and don’t need to work? Or is the economic situation worse than they’re telling us, and all of these people are out of work, like me?

Or, as Rod Sterling warned us, are they not human at all, and are actually the advance scouting team of space aliens sent to conquer earth? Did they misjudge where all the people would be during the work day? Maybe, my goal in life is to save the earth from the impending invasion!

I’ll keep an eye out, and will let you know.

Job Searching in today's economy -- my thoughts

2009-03-18T16:33:00.000-07:00

As many of you are aware, my (former) company, like many companies in today’s economy, recently went through a reorganization that resulted in shedding 10 positions, including mine. So, along with 4-million-plus other American’s, I am now actively and aggressively looking for a new position, taking only occasional time outs to keep current on the Jon Stewart vs CNBC "Welcome to Brawl Street" brouhaha.

True to my nature, I’ve spent the past few days researching my options, reading as much as I can about the current economic and job-search climate, talking to friends, associates, and former colleagues about their experiences, and basically thinking through options. And while I am no expert, having been at this for only a couple of weeks, I have discovered, or considered, a few things:

1. No one owes us a job. Those of us looking for, and competing for, new positions are not going to be given a job because we “deserve” it, no matter how well we think we are qualified. There is simply too much competition for the few openings.

Even for those of us who currently have a job, we are owed only for the time that we have put in. History with the company, past performance, or even just getting along with everyone really don’t mean much in today’s economy.

This is not a gripe. It is reality. Sometimes we get a little lazy or a little complacent and we pay for it. Sometimes we do everything right, get to work early, stay late, produce, and still conditions are such that we can not be kept on.

Life is not fair, but it’s not meant to be. Life is about how we respond. Do we sit back and complain about our lot in life? Do we work to bring others down as we try to climb back up? Or, do we hold our heads up, roll up our sleeves, and get to work on our current situation? I choose the latter.

2. Responding to job postings (CareerBuilders, Monster, etc.) is akin to playing the lottery. It’s like throwing chum in shark-infested waters: every open position that is advertised generates hundreds of responses and resumes. Logically, no hirer is going to objectively evaluate every response that comes across; a company would have to hire extra help just to weed through resumes. More likely, a hirer will scan the first 10 – 20%, pick out a few that match what they are looking for, and invite them in for interviews, leaving the remaining 80%+ unread.

“That’s unfair!” scream some on Internet message boards. “There ought to be a law! I’m exactly qualified for that position!”

So, what? Refer back to Point 1. No one owes us a job.

It's not that these sites are useless. They do provide some good advice, some practical tips, salary ranges, and even a five-minute sense of accomplishment every time you do reply to an ad.

3. Internet message boards, on any topic, are largely a waste of time. On one thread I read (research, mind you), posters were trying to one-up each other: “I’ve sent 300 resumes since October, and haven’t had a single interview.” “Well, I’ve sent out 500 resumes, and have only had two interviews!” I don’t know who these people are, but I am willing to bet that they are sending 300 or 500 or however many resumes to Internet job posting sites (see Point 2).

4. I don’t know this to be true, but if I were a hirer, I would be very hesitant to advertise an opening on an Internet job-posting site. Who wants to read, hundreds of times, “I’m exceptionally well qualified,” or “I match your requirements exactly,” or, “Experienced marketing professional with seeks (fill in the blank)” (this was mine, by the way; I changed it because it bored even me).

5. My theory is, for those of us looking for a new job, we need to work at it. It’s going to be hard. The latest figure I saw was 4.4 Million out of work, and it’s growing every day. And let’s face it, unless we are Michael Jordon, Tom Petty, or the guy who beat the computer at computer chess, there is always someone more qualified than we are at whatever we do. But, there are also 2 Million unadvertised jobs (so I have read) that we’re not going to reach by posting a resume on HotJobs or by simply updating our Facebook page. We need to get out every day and beat the bushes and find the people who are hiring, who are exhausted from reading hundreds of resumes, and we need to get their attention.

How to do this?

I’ll let you know once I figure it out. Or, I’m open for suggestions.

Oh, I am looking for a new job. If anyone knows anyone who’s looking for a creative and performance-driven market research or public relations account executive, analyst, or manager, please let me know. You can find out more on my LinkedIn site.

Movie reviews for movies you've never seen

2009-03-16T21:10:00.000-07:00

Friday night was the the Phoenix-area big-screen premiere of "Monster From Bikini Beach," an ultra-micro-budgeted film about a giant mutated catfish, which somehow has the ability to walk on land and an affinity disemboweling go-go dancers. Which is horrible timing because the local beach bar is holding a go-go dancing contest. The sub-plot concerns crooked police detective who is on the prowl for a lost shipment of cocaine, hoping to stay one step ahead of the rival gangsters for whom the cocaine was intended. Fortunately for all, the bleach-blond TV reporter and the conspiracy-theorist newspaper photographer are on the case. Making allowances for the ultra-micro budget, there were a few funny moments, particularly the Scooby Doo-like chase through the swamp caves. Still, the mash-up of the competing plot lines, in an ultra-micro budget film, seemed a bit too much to take on in one movie. One and a half stars (out of four).

Much better was the ultra-low budget "Mafia vs Ninjas", a Midnite Movie Mamacita Members Club Monday Night Movie. It concerns a master Kung Fu fighter / Shanghai sanitation worker (literally carrying buckets of sewage) who, after rescuing the local mob boss from an interal coup attempt, becomes an enforcer for the Chinese mob. Then, the Japanese mafia tries to muscle its way in; prostitution and shakedowns are okay, but the Japanese want to bring in drugs! Of course, the Japanese also bring their ninja enforcers, but in true kung fu movie fashion, choose to take on the master Kung Fu fighter one on one instead of the much wiser strategy of the old fashioned gang up. Still, while the fight scenes are often ridiculously choreographed, they are fun to watch. Two stars.

Both movies are part of the Midnite Movie Mamacita series at the Chandler Cinemas, which despite long odds, has managed to make it through its first year of operation under the current ownership. The Chandler Cinemas shows second-run movies for most of the week for only $2, with some of the cheapest concessions in the Valley. On weekends, they have weekly showings of "Rocky Horror Picture Show" as well as the cheesy and fun Grindhouse / B-movies that are infinitely more fun to watch in a group than they are alone on video or cable. This coming weekend, the Chandler Cinemas is having a Fun-Raiser, hopefully to earn enough to stay open for another year. Friday night is a showing of "Repo! The Genetic Opera", along with cast and director Q&A; later there is live pro wrestling(!) in the lobby. Friday and Saturday are "Saw II, III, and IV" marathons. Saturday night there are bands playing, up until the midnight showing of "Rocky Horror."

Even if you're not a fan of "Rocky Horror" or "Saw" (and I'm not), if you're in the neighbor hood, check out the theater and drop a couple bucks in the bucket. For every "Monster From Bikini Beach," there is an original Godzilla flick or even a vintage James Bond.