Movie reviews for movies you've never seen

Friday night was the the Phoenix-area big-screen premiere of "Monster From Bikini Beach," an ultra-micro-budgeted film about a giant mutated catfish, which somehow has the ability to walk on land and an affinity disemboweling go-go dancers. Which is horrible timing because the local beach bar is holding a go-go dancing contest. The sub-plot concerns crooked police detective who is on the prowl for a lost shipment of cocaine, hoping to stay one step ahead of the rival gangsters for whom the cocaine was intended. Fortunately for all, the bleach-blond TV reporter and the conspiracy-theorist newspaper photographer are on the case. Making allowances for the ultra-micro budget, there were a few funny moments, particularly the Scooby Doo-like chase through the swamp caves. Still, the mash-up of the competing plot lines, in an ultra-micro budget film, seemed a bit too much to take on in one movie. One and a half stars (out of four).

Much better was the ultra-low budget "Mafia vs Ninjas", a Midnite Movie Mamacita Members Club Monday Night Movie. It concerns a master Kung Fu fighter / Shanghai sanitation worker (literally carrying buckets of sewage) who, after rescuing the local mob boss from an interal coup attempt, becomes an enforcer for the Chinese mob. Then, the Japanese mafia tries to muscle its way in; prostitution and shakedowns are okay, but the Japanese want to bring in drugs! Of course, the Japanese also bring their ninja enforcers, but in true kung fu movie fashion, choose to take on the master Kung Fu fighter one on one instead of the much wiser strategy of the old fashioned gang up. Still, while the fight scenes are often ridiculously choreographed, they are fun to watch. Two stars.

Both movies are part of the Midnite Movie Mamacita series at the Chandler Cinemas, which despite long odds, has managed to make it through its first year of operation under the current ownership. The Chandler Cinemas shows second-run movies for most of the week for only $2, with some of the cheapest concessions in the Valley. On weekends, they have weekly showings of "Rocky Horror Picture Show" as well as the cheesy and fun Grindhouse / B-movies that are infinitely more fun to watch in a group than they are alone on video or cable. This coming weekend, the Chandler Cinemas is having a Fun-Raiser, hopefully to earn enough to stay open for another year. Friday night is a showing of "Repo! The Genetic Opera", along with cast and director Q&A; later there is live pro wrestling(!) in the lobby. Friday and Saturday are "Saw II, III, and IV" marathons. Saturday night there are bands playing, up until the midnight showing of "Rocky Horror."

Even if you're not a fan of "Rocky Horror" or "Saw" (and I'm not), if you're in the neighbor hood, check out the theater and drop a couple bucks in the bucket. For every "Monster From Bikini Beach," there is an original Godzilla flick or even a vintage James Bond.